I'm going to let you in on a secret. Up until this point it's been known only by those with whom I am closest. But here it is: Quite often I am an insecure wreck. I'm not saying this for sympathy. The following is basically me processing my thoughts. I felt the need to be transparent. And, who knows, maybe my journey will assist someone who is in a similar situation.
Yesterday I was telling someone I've known, pretty much forever, the story of something that happened while my wife and I were out this weekend. (Please excuse me for being vague, it is not my intent to "call out" anyone in a negative light.) I told of how my dental "flipper" had broken and how embarrassed and freaked out I was. And I mentioned that, even though I had done a temporary fix with Super Glue, I was eating without it until I get something more sturdy. They responded by saying "If I were your wife I'd eat in the other room!"
I later told my sweet wife about what was said. And I told her that I responded by saying how fortunate that I'm married to a wonderful woman who loves me and thinks I'm cute no matter what. But as we were talking I said "I've heard these kind of things my whole life. Is it any wonder I'm so freaking insecure?"
I've really been giving this a lot of thought. I received a really good word at around 2 am, (why do my best thoughts usually come when I should be asleep?) I typed it but forgot to save. But it went something like this:
When we spend a major portion of our lives subjected to disapproving remarks which result in continual blows to the heart, it's understandable why one would spend exert a great deal of time and energy seeking the approval of others.
Now here's the interesting part. Recently, I've actually been in a bit of a rebirth. I've kind of felt like God has had me let go of all of the things that I thought made me feel secure and all of the things I thought I knew about myself. He has been teaching me that my identity, who I really am, is grounded in Him and His love. I'm blessed to have a wonderful wife, my earthly reason for existence who loves me unconditionally. And I'm part of the most incredible pastoral staff who has been walking this journey with me and has truly loved me in a way that can only be described as the greatest human example of the love of Christ.
The scars caused by years and years of taking fire are beginning to heal. I have the ultimate shield in Him.
I'm not going to say that the words that person said didn't hurt. But it's like God deflected the arrow aimed at my heart. This time, instead of a mortal blow, its just a flesh wound!
If this speaks to you, then it was all worth it. The first step in the healing processes begin is started when we seek to find our identity in Him.
