Listen up!

Our church often has discussion questions around our tables during the service.  Yesterday, the preacher asked how we can display the spirit of God within our sphere of influence.  My friend, Meagan, (one of the coolest people I know,) talked about how she was going to take the time to ask questions and really get to know her new coworkers.  As I listened to her talking, it made me think about listening. 

So often, people ask questions but don’t even listen to the answers.  I knew someone that told me they quit asking a mutual acquaintance how they were because “They go in to detail about everything going on in their life.”  It struck me how that person would rather just hear “fine” rather than know what’s going on.  And it made me wonder if they actually cared when they asked me how I was. 

Being A.D.H.D. it is extremely difficult for me to be a good listener.  When my wife and I were first married I would come home from work and ask her about her day.  Often as she was talking, something she said would trigger a thought that would take precedence and I would change the subject to what I was thinking or send me running in to another room to write down my thoughts.  This did not go over very well.  A friend explained the way an A.D.H.D. mind works, but I also realized that I needed to be a better listener. 

I’ve gotten better, but I could still use a lot of work.  There are a couple of things that I (try) to remember in being a good listener.

1)      Don’t be a “topper”- A lot of times I have found myself guilty of listening just until I hear something that would give me an opportunity to talk about something about myself.  And it was usually some way of topping the subject about which the other was talking.

2)      Filter out distractions- When I was in college I was seeing a counselor.  She asked that my wife join our next session.  That week, as my wife was answering some questions of the counselor, I realized that I was fixated on what was going on in the parking lot.  So I apologized and asked if we could close the blinds before she went any further.

3)      Be honest- I find that people actually appreciate when I’m honest about having difficulty listening.  I get crazy-distracted when talking to individuals while in a group setting.  Some times the best thing to do has been for me to apologize and say “I really care about you and what you’re saying.  Unfortunately, it’s so difficult to give you the attention you deserve.  Could we go some place quieter or maybe talk about this in the next day or two?”

4)      Don’t always try to be a “fixer”- Being a dude, my nature is that when people tell me about an issue they are dealing with to fix it.  Most of the time people just want someone to listen.  Some times while I’m listening I get so lost in my thoughts of how to fix things that I forget to actually hear what they are talking about.  When I realized how arrogant it was to think that it was my job to have all of the answers I found that I could listen better.  And instead of blurting out information, after I’ve heard everything they said, I have told them when I had thoughts or possible advice and asked if they were interested in hearing.

5)      Pretend there will be a quiz- There’s few things worse than when I ask someone a question and they say “I told you about that the last time we talked.  Don’t you remember?”  It’s been helpful for me to listen to someone and ask questions about what they have said that will not only let them know that I’m engaged in the conversation, but help me to remember what we’re discussing as well.

I would be remiss if I didn’t point out the irony of how I had many of those thoughts while listening to what Meagan was saying yesterday.  But I’ll chalk it up to having my first cup of coffee in a week and my brain multitasking. 

Be blessed and be a blessing to others.

To my wife: Thank you for your continued patience, I'm trying!

Feel free to leave comments, I’m listening!

Screaming Like a Little Girl

Yesterday I posted on Facebook that I was drawing a blank.  I didn’t know what this week’s blog should be about.  So I opened it up to suggestions from friends.
The suggestion that got the most responses (2) was to post about how I recently stepped on a nail.  Not being one to shy away from a challenge, I decided to give it a shot, so here it goes.

My landlord has a shed in our back yard.  It’s not one of those cheap kits you buy at Menard’s or Lowe’s; this thing was built as strong as a bomb shelter.  It’s from back in the day when they hammered real nails by hand to attach the shingles.  Originally I had planned on having BaconFest in the backyard so I wanted to get it done and cleaned up as quickly as possible.  So I offered to do the work for a price.
After a couple of days of struggling to strip the plywood walls the shed got to a point where it was so close to falling that I was afraid to do anything else for fear that it would either come down on my head or fall into the nearby power line.  So I called my landlord and he came out and together we got the thing down in a relatively safe manner.  The next day I started working on cutting it up into manageable pieces and ready to take the roof apart.  As I was carrying a piece off to my disposal pile my foot found a rusty 16 penny nail.  It was sticking out of the bottom plate and went its full depth through my thin shoe sole and into my foot.  I’m pretty sure I screamed like a little girl followed by cussing like a sailor (I’m not proud of either reaction.)
But I was MAD!  The worst part is the fact that it was totally avoidable!  Had I simply done the routine check of the area, which years of construction had trained me to do, I would have pounded all nails and avoided the situation entirely.

I’m not stupid, and if you read this blog you are obviously extremely intelligent.  But some times we do stupid stuff.  And what’s worse is when we have to suffer the consequences of our inaction on things that we know can avoid pain or punishment.  For example, we all know that we can potentially face a ticket if we speed while driving.  But many of us continue to push the boundaries.  I remember getting my first speeding ticket (88 in a 65 MPH zone.)  I was so mad!  I blamed the cop for messing with me and God for allowing it to happen.  When I later relayed the story of the incident to someone they put it to me straight, “Did the cop force you to drive at a speed higher than the posted limit?”  I was angry at the person at first but there couldn’t deny that they were right.

I couldn’t help but wonder how many “nails” there are in my everyday life.  What kind of temptations do I face that I could very easily avoid?  Sure, most of the time I step around or over them, but why?  Why do I insist upon running the risk of injury?  The logical thing to do would be to remove them by either beating them down so that I don’t catch hold as I pass, or by completely removing and disposing of them.

Romans 3:22-23 says:
 But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life.  For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

God is our gift!  He has given us the necessary tools to avoid the consequences.  All we need is to trust him and use those tools.
And maybe we can avoid those painful, stupid injuries (or worse.)

Words of wisdom from a mushy old dude

Many years ago, I wrote a list.  It was the things that I wanted in the woman with whom I would share the rest of my life.  I started with the basics; she had to have a head and having a body, while not a deal breaker, would be good as well. 

Actually, it was a lot more serious than that.  I wanted someone with the same values as I (she especially had to be someone who loved God.)  I wanted a woman that I could laugh with but with whom I could also have serious conversations as well.  And I wanted someone who would challenge me to be a better man.  I looked over that list every day and prayed asking God to bring me that woman.

I tried dating for a while and at one point I was actually dating someone solely because I thought being with someone was better than being with no one.  While dating that person I went to a bonfire at a friend’s house.  It was a bunch of people from church and I went with the thought in the back of my mind that wondered if the cute girl that had been coming to church might be there.  She was.  Anyone that knows me knows that I love to be the center of attention and to make people laugh.  So there I was, hamming it up, totally in my element.  At one point I ran and sat on the lap of the cute girl’s mother.  Cute girl smiled and laughed and at that very minute I knew that I was to spend the rest of my life with her.  I went home that night and typed a single sentence in that day’s journal entry, “I’d rather not be with anyone than be with someone that’s not her.” 

12 years ago yesterday I married that cute girl! 

I’m not going to tell you it’s been easy.  Even answers to prayer can be challenging. 

But the greatest thing my wife has taught me is that love is constant.  Anyone that knows me knows that at times I’m “difficult.”  I love to argue, I am extremely opinionated, and I am practically insane with A.D.H.D. 

But in the times when it’s most difficult, my wonderful wife CHOOSES to love me.  She may not always like me, but there is never a doubt in my mind that she loves me.  And as a response, I want to be more worthy of that love.  I want to be the man that she deserves.  The family I grew up in is not very big on mushy stuff.  But as cheesy as it sounds, I am totally the dude that is proud to gush about how blessed I am to have such a wonderful partner in life.  And I want to be the man that she not only loves, but I hope and pray that she likes me!

I can’t believe that I’m going to use the next phrase, but…

All you young people out there, if there is any wisdom that I can pass along to you it’s this:

Relationships are difficult enough; never settle for anything less than the absolute best.  Ask God for who He has and instead of trying to convince yourself, your friends, and even God that a person is “the one.”  Some times it might seem like a long lonely wait, but to paraphrase my own words, it’s better to not be with anyone that to be with someone that’s not the one God has planned for you.

God bless y’all!