Not Okay, Yet

Greetings,

Some interesting thoughts that I want (or probably need) to share.  I've always been pretty transparent so why change now?

I've been going through some junk with my eyes.  I was born with congenital glaucoma.  In the past I was extremely vigilant about my eye care.  I went to specialists regularly and did an excellent job at taking the necessary medications to keep them under control.  But then came money issues.  I'll spare you the details, except to say that I haven't been properly caring for my eyes.  In the past year I have seen steady degeneration in my vision.  So I finally sought treatment.  For a minute things looked like they were going great and that everything would be better.  During that brief period it was easy for me to be positive.  I had no problem telling people how I had put the situation in God's hands and that I was willing to trust Him no matter the outcome.

But then things didn't go as smoothly as they originally appeared to be headed.  Suddenly the answers that seemed to be miraculously headed my way didn't pan out in the ways I had expected.  Perhaps I misread some of the signs.  But either way I must admit that I'm disappointed.  I've been attempting to mask my disappointment and push through.  I tell myself that the words I said a week ago are still true.  And I really do believe it.  But that doesn't stop me from currently feeling sad, frustrated, and quite a bit scared.  I don't want to go blind!  Even as I type this I tell myself to "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding" (Psalms 3:5.)

Here is the thing.  For a change, I'm not running away.  In the past I might have rebelled by crawling in to my own personal pity pit.  I probably would have skipped church and church-related activities.  But this time I have realized how dumb those decisions were in the past.  First Corinthians 12 tells us how we are one body.  I've really been allowing that one to roll around in my brain this week.  I got this strangely weird and very cool image:
Imagine a body having a broken leg.  It doesn't just lay in bed until the leg gets around to mending.  The arms grab a pair of crutches in order to help the body continue to move as necessary until the leg is strong enough to resume its assigned role.

I went to church yesterday.  I think I did a decent job of not wearing my emotions on my sleeve.  But at the same time, when asked, I was honest.  I shared with at least two arms, Karen and Mark, how I was feeling.  These friends didn't tell me I was dumb for feeling that way.  (Funny thought, just as with crutches, if we rely on armpits we're going to be in a great deal of pain; it's important to share our struggles with those who won't put us down for feeling the way we do.)  Instead, these arms shared the load and promised to pray.  And they built me up with words of encouragement.  They didn't chastise me for my past failures in getting treatment (which an armpit would do.)  They had compassion.  I was again reminded how God is in control.  And even if things go differently than I would like, I am part of a body.  I'm still working through my feelings as far as my eyes are concerned.  But I know that with God, and the body of Christ, everything will be okay.

It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you or forsake you.  Do not fear or be dismayed- Deuteronomy 31:8