Father’s Day triggered many emotions in me.
I spent the past week or so mentally beating myself up. You see, over the years I have made many mistakes. I wrote a long blog about my feelings but then realized that it was far too personal to publish without permission from my kids. I sent it to them and told them that if they didn't want me to post I wouldn't. I did not receive a response from either one of them so I’m taking that as a no to posting. But not hearing anything bothered me too. In the past week, as I've done many other times, I have relived every mistake of the past 23 years. But this time I actually did a great deal of praying and soul searching.
Here’s what I learned…
For many years I had all kinds of “explanations” for my actions. But this week I came to realize something: There is a difference between reasons and excuses. For many years I tried to justify my actions (or in many cases, my inaction.) But the bottom line is that I made many selfish and wrong choices. I have spent years trying to convince my kids to forgive me. But I need to allow them to heal at their own pace. Their hurt feelings didn't happen overnight, nor will their healing. The only thing that I can do is learn from my mistakes and make better choices in the future. I want to be a better person than the one that they used to know. The only way to prove that is to be the best person I can be for the rest of my life.
Why do I share such personal information?
It turns out that after this week of soul searching and revelations that I was able to use what I learned to help others. I was speaking to someone who had been going through a situation and was reminded of my journey. As I listened the words came back to me and I spoke them, “There is a difference between reasons and excuses.” I went on to share a brief synopsis of my experiences. What I said really spoke to this person’s heart.
I feel that it’s an honor to take that which God has taught me and use it to help others.
Maybe someone is in the midst of a struggle and the words that they read will speak into their lives.
May God bless you this week!
Thank you for sharing that Jimmy. My biological father was absent for the majority of my life and I have many negative feelings towards him. I have since cut him out of my life completely. I tell you this because when I told him that I had come to this decision he didn't have a word to say about it. You have acknowledged your selfish behavior and come to realize that your kids need to heal in their own time and way. I feel strongly that you should continue to let them know that you will be there if and when they decide they are able to move forward in building a relationship with you. I know this may be difficult and painful for you at times, and I don't mean this in a harsh way; but this is the consequence of your past choices. I am proud of your positive attitude and I'm happy to call you my friend. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteThanks Amanda, I didn't interpret what you said as harsh at all. I'll never give up, I'm just more aware of my need to respect their hurt feelings and how it will take time (and proof I've changed) to bring healing.
DeleteI'm happy to call you my friend too! Thank you for your kind words!
I recently had a very in depth, emotional conversation with my oldest about the 3 years I spent away from him. Explaining why I had to leave and the promises that weren't kept. We are still working on rebuilding our relationship but I have seen great strides in how we communicate and show respect to eachother and those around us. I have faith in knowing that God will restore our relationship and strengthen it even more through prayer, persistance and honesty... complete honesty!!!
ReplyDeleteAwesome buddy!
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