Listen up!

Our church often has discussion questions around our tables during the service.  Yesterday, the preacher asked how we can display the spirit of God within our sphere of influence.  My friend, Meagan, (one of the coolest people I know,) talked about how she was going to take the time to ask questions and really get to know her new coworkers.  As I listened to her talking, it made me think about listening. 

So often, people ask questions but don’t even listen to the answers.  I knew someone that told me they quit asking a mutual acquaintance how they were because “They go in to detail about everything going on in their life.”  It struck me how that person would rather just hear “fine” rather than know what’s going on.  And it made me wonder if they actually cared when they asked me how I was. 

Being A.D.H.D. it is extremely difficult for me to be a good listener.  When my wife and I were first married I would come home from work and ask her about her day.  Often as she was talking, something she said would trigger a thought that would take precedence and I would change the subject to what I was thinking or send me running in to another room to write down my thoughts.  This did not go over very well.  A friend explained the way an A.D.H.D. mind works, but I also realized that I needed to be a better listener. 

I’ve gotten better, but I could still use a lot of work.  There are a couple of things that I (try) to remember in being a good listener.

1)      Don’t be a “topper”- A lot of times I have found myself guilty of listening just until I hear something that would give me an opportunity to talk about something about myself.  And it was usually some way of topping the subject about which the other was talking.

2)      Filter out distractions- When I was in college I was seeing a counselor.  She asked that my wife join our next session.  That week, as my wife was answering some questions of the counselor, I realized that I was fixated on what was going on in the parking lot.  So I apologized and asked if we could close the blinds before she went any further.

3)      Be honest- I find that people actually appreciate when I’m honest about having difficulty listening.  I get crazy-distracted when talking to individuals while in a group setting.  Some times the best thing to do has been for me to apologize and say “I really care about you and what you’re saying.  Unfortunately, it’s so difficult to give you the attention you deserve.  Could we go some place quieter or maybe talk about this in the next day or two?”

4)      Don’t always try to be a “fixer”- Being a dude, my nature is that when people tell me about an issue they are dealing with to fix it.  Most of the time people just want someone to listen.  Some times while I’m listening I get so lost in my thoughts of how to fix things that I forget to actually hear what they are talking about.  When I realized how arrogant it was to think that it was my job to have all of the answers I found that I could listen better.  And instead of blurting out information, after I’ve heard everything they said, I have told them when I had thoughts or possible advice and asked if they were interested in hearing.

5)      Pretend there will be a quiz- There’s few things worse than when I ask someone a question and they say “I told you about that the last time we talked.  Don’t you remember?”  It’s been helpful for me to listen to someone and ask questions about what they have said that will not only let them know that I’m engaged in the conversation, but help me to remember what we’re discussing as well.

I would be remiss if I didn’t point out the irony of how I had many of those thoughts while listening to what Meagan was saying yesterday.  But I’ll chalk it up to having my first cup of coffee in a week and my brain multitasking. 

Be blessed and be a blessing to others.

To my wife: Thank you for your continued patience, I'm trying!

Feel free to leave comments, I’m listening!