Warning, this is kind of a graphic post but one that I hope helps someone...
Several years ago, when I was going through the beginning of the end in my first marriage I was in a dark place. I worked in a woodworking shop and would occasionally call my (now) x wife on my breaks. One day, after a particularly heated discussion on the phone I returned to work fuming. I was so filled with rage that I just wanted to hurt someone or something. And then I noticed something. The machine I worked on had several sets of drill bits. In retrospect, I know my anger induced thinking was clouded. I don't know what my thought process was at that time, I just did it... I shoved my forearm into the machine and dragged it across one of the drill bits for about 10 inches drawing blood. I looked around to make certain nobody noticed and wrapped my arm in toilet paper and pulled down the sleeve of my sweatshirt. And in some weird way, the pain made me set aside my anger until the next bout. Some time later we went at it on the phone again. This time I used my company issued razor knife. I did the other arm and again, I went on with my day. In time, I was finding the smallest things and using them as an excuse to control my emotional pain with physical. I got to the point where I wouldn't wear short sleeves for fear of having to explain myself.
When my marriage fell completely apart I kind of forgot and stopped cutting my arms.
Then, one day I met the most amazing woman. I heard her laugh and knew I had to spend the rest of my life with her! We started dating and I ended up proposing.
And then it hit me. I started to worry that I was opening myself up for the possibility of more pain. So one night, I decided to "take control" and hurt myself first (I'll spare you the gory details) and branded a cross in my left forearm. Some nights later, my fiance noticed my arm that was bandaged and asked me what had happened to it. I didn't want to lie, so I told her.
I saw tears well up in her eyes as she told me to that she never again wanted to see me hurt the man she loves. It was as if I was watching her very heart being cut. She swore she would never intentionally cause me physical or emotional pain. And I believed it. Her love for me reminded me so much of how unconditionally God loves us. I married that woman, and to this day she has kept her promise. And I kept mine to never intentionally cause myself physical pain.
Why do I share this story?
Because this afternoon on the way home from work God laid it on my heart. And I have learned that when He says to do something I do it.
As I type I am thinking, if seeing the results of self-inflicted wounds can cause another human being such heartbreak, how much more sadness does our Father and creator feel when He sees us cause pain to ourselves or others? And I imagine the tears in His eyes as we seek counterfeit solutions. Can we stop the world from hurting us? No. But we do have access to the source of healing. His love for us in unconditional and unending. We are able to have peace in the knowledge that this world is temporary. One day all physical, mental, and emotional wounds will be gone. We can live with the hope that is held in an eternity with God!
How cool is that?
But he was pierced for our rebellion,
crushed for our sins.
He was beaten so we could be whole.
He was whipped so we could be healed.
Isaiah 53:5 (NLT)
I pray that this story speaks to someone in a way that brings God's healing. If you would like to share please feel free to in the comment section or send me a personal message.
And If you are experiencing a similar emotional battle I would love to pray for/with you.
God bless y'all!
No comments:
Post a Comment