Jimmy 2.0

About 12-13 years ago the church softball team that I was on was playing.  We were down by a substantial amount.  I was frustrated and feeling powerless to help my team as the coach started someone else in my position.  I went to him several times and told him I wanted to go in and help.  Admittedly I wasn’t the best player in the world but I was pretty consistent at laying down a solid single from the plate.  The coach was one of those people that LIVED for sports and was in a crazy intense focus determined upon catching up.  After my third attempt to be subbed in I got angry, no actually I was mad as heck.  I felt disrespected and ignored.  I began pacing back and forth complaining, quite loudly, to whoever would listen (and even to those that didn’t want to hear.) 

From that night on, I was given the reputation of having anger management issues.  Any time I slightly raised my voice I was supposedly having a meltdown.  And there were even times when someone in the youth ministry would exaggerate (A.K.A. lie) saying that I had blown up in order to get me removed from my position. 

After a while, being labeled as having anger issues made me well…angry.  I got the “I’ll show them” attitude and started to actually become the person that I was accused of being.  I learned how to use my reputation to scare, intimidate, and pressure people in order to get my way.  And the more I crafted the persona, the more it grew. 

When I moved away I worked hard not to be that person any more.  In college I did a pretty decent job.  And when I moved to Madison I think I did a good job.  But it seems at times that people like to push people’s buttons to incite a reaction.  At those times I have not always had the best reaction. 

But I’m really trying.  It’s difficult!  Recently I have been “called out” for supposedly having a negative attitude or not acting as Jesus would have.  These accusations make me mad as I feel that people that don’t know how hard I have been working to be Christ-like are trying to undermine my efforts. 

So I had pre-written a biting blog post tearing down those that looked at me critically.  It was well written and got my point across quite nicely.  But I realized that I was still being an ass.  Was I correct in the things that I was saying?  Yes.  But while I didn’t explode with a torrent of obscenities, I was still acting in a negative manner.  And I was fueling the reputation that I had been trying so hard to leave behind. 

1 Corinthians 5:16-17 (NLT) says that

We have stopped evaluating others from a human point of view.  At one point we thought of Christ merely from a human point of view.  How differently we know him now!  This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person.  The old life is gone; a new life has begun. 

I want to be a new person!  I didn’t like the “Jim” that I used to be.  That’s part of why I am “Jimmy” now, because I am not the person that I was 12 or even 6 years ago.  I am trying to be the person God has called me to be.  I am not responsible for the way others interpret me to be, but I am responsible for my actions. 

So I will continue to do my best to make good choices and to resist reacting negatively.  And I will pray for those that assume the worst in me.  That’s all we can do.